VOICE OF THE TURTLE Online

A Disturbing Lack of Awareness
and Openness by Church Groups

Following is a reflection I wrote following a memorial service for a gay man in a church which he had left for its refusal to welcome or accept homosexuals. In the service, the ministers offered no recognition or acknowledgment of his position or his decision to with hold participation because of the church's lack of inclusiveness and openness to all people.

In order to respect the feelings of this gentleman's family and friends in the church, I have not identified either him or the church. Suffice it to say that it is located in the 'progressive' San Francisco Bay Area. I believe the church's discriminatory policies should not go unchallenged.

I just attended a memorial service for a friend (or, more accurately, a portion of a service).

A year or so back, I reconnected with this friend whom I had previously met. We decided to have lunch together, and then over the course of the ensuing months, we had lunch together a number of times. We exchanged books on current topics and discussed a wide range of subjects, including the world situation, national politics, and the church. I learned that though he had been very active in his church, he had dropped out and had become inactive after several discussions with the minister about the church's refusal to pass a welcoming and affirming policy toward homosexuals.

You see, my friend, who had agonized for years over the need to hide his own sexuality, decided to 'come out' as a gay man. In recognition of the sensitivity of the subject, he did so with discretion, and he did not let his decision diminish his participation in the church, at least not at first. After he and his wife split up, he remained devoted to their only son, and they were faithful in attendance at various church events. He also continued to give generously of his time to many civic and community activities and served on some of their organizational boards and committees.

When the church hierarchy proposed that churches in the area take the formal step of adopting a policy of openness toward gays and lesbians, he assumed that his example of personal openness and dedication would offer the church an inspiration and basis for 'doing the right thing.' But such was not to be the case. The church, located in a conservative suburban community, felt that such a policy might be misinterpreted, attract the 'wrong type of person,' and drive away families with children. Despite long discussions with the minister, the church leadership declined to pursue the issue further.

After much soul-searching, my friend reluctantly decided to withdraw from active support and involvement in the church, though as a consummate gentleman, he said little and he continued to maintain his pledge to the church budget. And he kept his obligations to the community groups he was involved in.

At his memorial service, held at this same church (for the sake of family and friends there), many spoke glowingly of his contributions to the church and the community. But not one word was said about his being a gay man or his decision to leave the church -- except an oblique reference by one person who said she had only been at the church for two years and wished she had had a chance to know him. The minister and his assistants gave no indication, of course, that there might have been anything out of the ordinary in the situation.

I appreciated hearing comments and testimonials from many of the other friends who had gathered, but I felt that my friend's wishes and integrity were not honored in keeping a polite silence about his personal orientation and decision regarding the church.

And so, for this reason, I left the service after the time of remembrances and prayers, and following the 'sharing of the peace' -- when I greeted several people I knew who were in attendance. I tried to do so inconspicuously, as I did not want to be a disruptive influence. I knew that my friend had no doubt agreed to having the service there in order to have it be in the familiar church that his son and many friends knew and were comfortable with. But for me, my heart as not in this place of formal liturgy and ritual that I knew had said to my friend, "You can stay but we want nothing to do with others who share your ideas or proclivities."

In this time when gay and lesbian people are struggling to keep their hard-won rights and civil liberties, I find it impossible to excuse the church which turns its back on them because of its need for convenience and a comfortable status quo. The particular denomination of which this church is a part has done more than most, but the problem is with getting the local congregations to support the need for inclusiveness. Another denomination which is also a leader in this area nationally only has a scant ten percent of its congregations on record as supporting such openness and affirmation of gay and lesbian believers. It is a shameful situation, in my opinion.

But what of others who do even less? Part of the problem is the cultural isolation between our cities and the suburbs -- a state of affairs that has been building since the years just after the Second World War. It's possible, even likely, for folks to live within the very same metropolitan area, or even within the same city, and not be aware of the existence of other sub-cultural groups which are also resident there. And if they are aware, the tendency may be to 'live and let live' -- peaceful coexistence -- at best.

While this is preferable to open discrimination and prejudice, it does not further the need for understanding and mutual sharing of life's experiences. When a majority of a church's governing board can say, in effect, "We choose to keep this a place for families with small children," and turn away others who do not fit that idealized mold or stereotype, it has, in my opinion, ceased to be the Body of Christ.

Is this too harsh a judgment? Ultimately, it is not for us to judge, is it? But as a person of similar 'proclivities' to my friend, I find myself reacting in the same way he did to a church like this. I do not want to be there. For me, it lacks the essential charity of accepting other people in all their humanness. So, no matter how often they may say a creed or display an image of Rembrandt's painting of the prodigal returning home, I am left waiting for their personal word of welcome to me and others like me: "Come, enter into the place prepared for you by the Father. Whosoever will may come."

Perhaps the memory of my friend's life and selfless service will yet inspire this church and others to be more open and affirming of people who are 'different.' I sincerely hope so.

-- Rick Mitchell

In the Life: TV and Beyond

Comment by Chris Boisvert

Last night I was watching In the Life, a monthly LGBT television magazine on PBS. This shouldn’t be confused with Pat Robertson’s program Living the Life. One of the In the Life segments focused on the coming out of a Emily, a high school girl in Iowa. Emily was heavily involved in her Evangelical church. She was in the youth group and in the praise-singing group. When she came out to her family she was affirmed and loved by her mother and father. Both parents had fears about the road their daughter was about to follow, mostly related to her safety.

At church Emily was removed from the praise-singing group because it was felt that she was no longer fit for leadership, and all of a sudden had become a poor role model. Her pastor told Emily that the best course of action that she had was life long celibacy. Emily said that she was, so far, unsure of what she believed. She didn’t feel that God would ask here to do that because she did not choose to be gay. The pastor said that it didn’t matter what she believed since the Bible was clear on the issue.

When Emily came out at school, it was much different than coming out at home. Many of her friends backed away. Girls asked that she not be in the locker-room and Emily was segregate away from the other girls. One night when Emily was out running, a car drove up and people in it called out slurs at her. On another night Emily’s car was vandalized in her driveway. The car was spray-painted graffiti like “dike truck”.

Emily started a gay-straight alliance at school. Starting the group wasn’t an easy accomplishment. Her school principal fought it at every opportunity, saying that such a group was unnecessary. The principle admitted that he personally thought homosexuality was wrong. Legally, he was required to allow the group to meet on campus. Still at every meeting of the school GSA the principal sits in the back of the room and takes notes on what is said. Some of the straight members in the group say they are stereotyped as gay just because they hang out with Emily.

In another short segment on In the Life, a teenager describes his mother learning that he is gay by listening in on a phone conversation he is having with his boyfriend. After the call, he is petrified about how his mother will react. He sits in his room waiting. When she finally comes in and talks to him, she says his being gay is worse than if he was dead. Can you imagine saying that to your own child? I can’t think of anything less loving, unchristian, and with less family values saying something like that to your own child.

How wrong it is for anyone to judge another person, particularly his or her own family members solely because of their sexual orientation. Yet, many of our churches teach just this thing. It is the sexual orientation beyond all else. To some Christians it is more about this one fact than it is about everything else combined. The person can be the most gifted, most wonderful person, someone who donates time and tithes to the church regularly, yet, if they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender they become demonized.

In the case of Emily, a talented young woman, with a gift for singing and with great faith, the way she was treated within her church and school is not what a church or school should be like. The examples that we set in church and school are something that should carry through to the rest of life. How can we expect people to live in peace, respect one another, and learn to dialogue with people that have different opinions and views on maters, if we cannot do that in church or school?